Antigone of www.punkassblog.com recently wrote a post about a couple of my recent blog posts. She writes:
I am on Glenn Sacks’ mailing list. Sometimes, I even go read his articles and it doesn’t make me despair for the human race (although, I’ve never being able to get through a comment thread without seeing red).
Then there are the vast majority of his articles…
Antigone is not friendly, but on the positive side, she is indicative of an ethos I try to promote among both Men’s Rights Activists and feminists. The ethos is this: don’t assume the other side is wrong or evil, and don’t assume your side is noble and correct. Be familiar with the opposition’s arguments and give them a fair look, even if one disagrees and is critical. Antigone, to her credit, makes an effort to do this.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t a very successful effort. She writes:
[Sacks'] “New Study: Men on Marriage Strike Because They Fear Divorce” popped up on my feed. “Oh my god,” I think. “Has it finally happened? Have feminists pushed men TOO FAR and now they never want to get married?”
Well, no actually. The real “study”* says that most men don’t want to marry the wrong person, not that they are striking on marriage. It also found that most guys would rather live unmarried than marry the wrong women. The survey itself didn’t say anything that any person with a functioning brain couldn’t tell you, and mirrored what most single were saying “I might marry if I find the right person, but I’m not particularly broken up about my single-life, thank you very much”. No marriage strike, no evil feminists: just further evidence that marriage isn’t for everyone.
Some of what Antigone says is true, but she misses even more. Regarding the study, according to Reuters’ Men prefer being solo over a bad marriage: study (6/2/08):
…men were not afraid of marriage — but they were afraid of a bad marriage.
“Men are 10 times more scared of marrying the wrong person than of never getting married at all,” Weisman told Reuters in a telephone interview.
“This is the first generation of people who have grown up with bad divorces. People assume there is something wrong if you don’t marry but these are men who have made a different choice and not given in to social pressures”…
But while 72 percent of respondents said they were not afraid of marriage, about half of them said the situation that scared them most was marrying the wrong person…
Weisman also found that financial issues, both positive and negative, played a large part in men’s fear of commitment…
“[T]hose who are financially sound were terrified what a bad divorce could do to them.”
“Terrified what a bad divorce could do to them”–that sure sounds to me like men are afraid of marrying because of the family law system, thus a “Marriage Strike.”
Antigone seems to think I put all blame for the problems with the family law system on feminists, but that certainly isn’t true and certainly isn’t what I’ve maintained. Feminists are part of the problem. Traditional chivalrous males (like most judges) are part of the problem. Attorneys are part of the problem, and the government is part of the problem. And while feminists have certainly caused great harm in family law, they certainly aren’t always wrong, either.
Back to the subject of the “Marriage Strike,” this analysis does have limitations, too. They include:
1) Men have usually throughout history been hesitant to get married to one degree or another. This was true long before the era of divorce and anti-father family courts.
2) To some degree the decline of the rates of people marrying is not caused by men, “Marriage Strike” or no, but instead by women not wanting to marry.
3) Much of the societal pressure to marry is gone.
Still, I believe that this strike is happening, and that this study helps to confirm it.
Antigone’s full post is here.
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This marriage strike is also going on because from day to day who knows what will happen. There has been a huge decline on respecting the commitment of being married. Marriage use to be something to really be proud of. Now its something people do if they like each other but show how much they are honored by committing adultery etc. Why say “I do” if tomorrow they say “I will” with someone else? There is too much pain in this world to allow more by being with someone who may cause it. People have lower self esteems, they lack knowledge of how to have an effective relationship. As the saying goes, “get married cheep, save up for the divorce.”
As a behavior analyst, I chose no married or dating. I’m a single parent, and have been through hell by negative behavior my ex’s had from past pain. My job as a parent is to protect my children. To possibly get together with someone who’s behavior may take away from my ability to do that is not for me. All these divorce laws, and domestic laws in general partially cause this as well. Who wants to marry into a system which is bias. Placing domestic relationships in the hands of the law has been damaging for decades. Their answer, toss people in jail, and rush couples through family court. The end result: additional problems are created, not solved. I decided I am on strike “til death do I part.” I still like women, it’s the inappropriate level of drama I can do without.
I am amazed, no stunned is more like it, that our law makers have been allowed to trash due process and the Constitution by placing (*) asterisks next to the Bill of Rights because I was born male. How did we ever get to the point where someone can actually be CRIMINALLY incarcerated for (supposedly) violating a CIVIL committment between consenting adults? I thought eliminating “Debtor Prisons” were one of the Founding Fathers’ priorities. Just because they give it another name (violating a court order), that doesn’t change the fact that thousands of men are in prison because they wouldn’t (or worse, didn’t have the money to) pay their ex-wives money.
I live in SE Asia where men and masculinity are respected, so I don’t worry about it happening to me, but I have sons who may live in the USA some day.