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Much has been written about the spiritual and emotional abuse of Churches in America, but that abuse, targeting also Fathers and men, extends far beyond those supposedly safe havens. In today’s world, the spirit of Fathers and men is deserving of respect and courtesy, but is assailed on all sides with insults, put-downs, unfair characterizations, judgmental attitudes, condemning comments, negative stereotypes and a host of other destructive imagery, and visualizations. The emotional and spiritual abuse of men extends far beyond the realm of America’s Churches, into the institutional settings of education, law, entertainment, commercial advertising, news, and more.

An article in Wikipedia describes Spiritual Abuse thusly:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_abuse

The term Spiritual abuse was coined in the late twentieth century to refer to abusive or aberrational practices identified in the behavior and teachings of some churches, spiritual and religious organizations and groups. The term tends to be used by Christian counselors, apologists in the Christian countercult movement, and former members of those churches or groups that are alleged to be abusive. Secular critics usually use more generic terms such as psychological or emotional abuse.

Sadly, I don’t go to Churches very much these days. I get all the spiritual, emotional, and psychological abuse I can handle from the world around me. Having it heaped on top of all the rest, in a place that should be a refuge, has no doubt driven some men to painfully despair and wonder if there is refuge, or hope, left anywhere for them in America.

A lot of people will say, “Forget about Churches and “volunteer” organizations, what about all those forms of abuse, and more, I get on the job.” Many people will say authoritarian bosses abuse them horribly on their jobs, but at the end of the week, they take home a paycheck in exchange for that abuse. Hopefully, those people use that money to improve their lives, and ameliorate the effects of workplace abuse. Hopefully, those people will soon find themselves in better, more humane circumstances. I can’t leave this paragraph without pointing out that if you ever wind up in a job that is respectful, spiritually uplifting, and builds you up as a person, you might think long and hard before leaving it for a job where the work conditions are worse, or unknown. Having a job that treats you with respect and makes you feel good about yourself at the end of the day, just might be worth a few dollars an hour, in my opinion.

On the other hand, Churches and “volunteer” organizations are places where people willingly go of their own accord to be “built up,” help others, and do things that make them feel good about themselves and others. Men go to Churches to worship God and find there places in his kingdom. These settings should never be places of spiritual abuse, in my opinion, where “accountability” is often used to abusively manipulate sincere worshipers for the selfish purposes of spiritually abusive leaders.

A number of books have been written on the topic of spiritual abuse in the Church, here are but a few”

Churches That Abuse

by Ronald M. Enroth

Zondervan Publishing

http://tinyurl.com/2b4u8v

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse

by David Johnson, and Jeff VanVonderen

Bethany House

http://tinyurl.com/23uxmt

Twisted Scriptures – A Path to Freedom From Abusive Churches

by Mary Alice Chrnalogar

Control Technique, Inc. (also available in Spanish from Vida)

http://tinyurl.com/3carjf

As men become more and more spiritually isolated in a viciously misandrist America, it is important for men to know the insidious signs of spiritual abuse. Men should take steps to protect themselves from those who would destroy, or otherwise seek to harm them – for whatever reasons, whether it is in the Church, a “volunteer” organization, or “God forbid,” a Father’s or men’s rights organization.

Here are some excerpts from a list of Spiritual Abuse traits as listed on Wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_abuse

Ronald Enroth, in Churches That Abuse, identifies five categories:

# abusive groups tend to suppress any kind of internal challenges and dissent concerning decisions made by leaders. Acts of discipline may involve emotional and physical humiliation, physical violence or deprivation, acute and intense acts of punishment for dissent and disobedience.

# abuse arises when leaders of a group arrogate to themselves power and authority that lacks the dynamics of open accountability and the capacity to question or challenge decisions made by leaders. The shift entails moving from general respect for an office bearer to one where members loyally submit without any right to dissent.

# abusive groups are characterized by social dynamics where fear, guilt, and threats are routinely used to produce unquestioning obedience, group conformity, and stringent tests of loyalty to the leaders are demonstrated before the group.

# abusive groups depict themselves as unique and have a strong organizational tendency to be separate from other bodies and institutions.

# abusive groups foster rigidity in behavior and in belief that requires unswerving conformity to the group’s ideals and social mores.

Here are some of the signs listed in Twisted Scriptures on Pp. 20-21:

# the belief that we are superior to all other Churches; our message is superior as is our understanding of the Bible.

# a lack of tolerance for disagreement with leadership

# hidden agendas as evidenced by withholding of information and concealing manipulation and exploitation that occur after disciples are more deeply involved.

# instilling a belief that disobeying certain requests (which do not deal with Scripture, morals, or values) from the discipler is sin.

Once a disciple has been convinced that it is sinful to disobey even a portion of non-moral advice from the discipler, the disciple will “voluntarily” follow the discipler’s suggestions in order to avoid feelings of guilt. In essence, the disciple becomes a slave obedient to the discipler’s advice.

Information concerning the leaders, which the group defines as negative, is suppressed by demeaning those disciples who speak out. This humiliation frequently is done by:

# imposing a standard by which disciples are often caused to feel guilty or ashamed

# continual judging of members’ hearts or motives

# threatening to rebuke the “offending” disciple, sometimes even in public

# arbitrarily dismissing disciples or causing them to want to leave when the disciple merely disagrees with opinions of the leaders.

When a person can’t freely share doubts about an important matter without the threat of expulsion or other negative repercussions, it can cause great inner struggles and leave one emotionally devastated.

Controlling groups usually withhold their additional meanings of “obey” and “submit.”

Online we find additional definition of one of the traits. In my opinion, it appears this trait is quite prominent in spiritually abusive leaders:

http://www.watchman.org/cults/precond1.htm

5. PREOCCUPATION WITH FAULT AND BLAME The dynamic: Reaction is swift and furious toward the one who fails to perform the way the system deems fit. Responsibility and accountability are not the issues here: Fault and blame are the issues. The shame-based system wants a confession in order to know whom to shame.

The effects: The sense that if something is wrong or someone is upset you must have caused it; a high need to be punished for or to pay for mistakes in order to feel good about yourself; difficulty forgiving self.

This web site offers a list of eleven traits to look for:

http://www.gospelassemblyfree.com/facts/11marks.htm

ELEVEN MARKS OF PERVERTED AUTHORITY

(1) The claim of direct authority from God, rather than testing things by the Word. Many today have set “personal” revelation and experience above the final authority of God’s Word. When this occurs there is no longer any basis for ascertaining the will of God, as one would not be able to discern truth from error because the standard is “personal” rather than the Word of God.

(2) The command is to “submit to me,” rather than “I will serve you.”

(3) The method of leadership is to “order” people around, rather than to appeal for them to do the right things.

(4) There is a dominating, “pushy” drive instead of a dependence on God to direct.

(5) There is a sense of control, rather than a sense of support.

(6) A gift is exploited so that others are made to feel dependent on it.

(7) There is inflexibility – “don’t question me” – “don’t touch the Lord’s anointed.”

(8) There is unapproachability and intimidation – the “aura” around the leader keeps the followers in “awe.”

(9) There emerges an organization built around a man and his peculiar emphases instead of around Christ and His Word.

(10) There will be cyclical challenges to the authority figure (which are immediately and forcefully purged).

(11) There is more concern for maintaining the authoritarian structure than there is for caring about the people in it.

Okay – you get the idea – no more long lists of traits enumerating spiritually abusive leadership. In as much as this subject may be very new to some of you, I just wanted to underscore that “spiritual abuse” is not some isolated phenomenon, but instead, something that is rather widespread in America today. Moreover, it is important to realize it is something not just isolated to “Churches,” although that has been the focus of much of the discussion surrounding “spiritual abuse.”

Some of the worst of abusive Churches and Church leaders, in my opinion, are quick to propound that men are “accountable” for the success, or failure, of their marriage, but give little, or no, attention to the rebellious and disrespectful behavior of wives to their husbands. Such wives frequently follow the gender feminist model of the liberated woman in their personal beliefs about woman hood, yet adhere to all the chivalrous expectations put on men by abusive Church leaders. Nevertheless, I’ll save that topic for a longer discussion in a future article.

In The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, the authors write on Pp. 63-64:

The first characteristic of an abusive religious system is what we call power-posturing. Power-posturing simply means that leaders spend a lot of time focused on their own authority and reminding others of it, as well. This is necessary because their spiritual authority isn’t real – based on Godly character – it is postured.

They spend a lot of energy posturing about how much authority they have and how much everyone else is supposed to submit to it. The fact that they are eager to place people under them – under their word, under their “authority” – is one easy to spot clue that they are operating in their own authority.

In Churches, or “volunteer” organizations, if you want to find the person exhibiting the true qualities of leadership, in my opinion, you should look for the person in the leadership position that talks with you authoritatively, but exhibits the heart of a servant. He/she, in my opinion, will want to sincerely promote your well-being, along with others well being, and his/her own.

If you have find yourself already a part of an abusive Church (or “volunteer” organization), the article in Wikipedia offers this perspective:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spiritual_abuse

Leaving an Abusive Church – Is normally a process which can take a few months or even years. It can also be extremely painful both emotionally and psychologically. It’s important to get help such as counseling and support with the effects of Spiritual Abuse.

For your own well-being, and the well-being of men, women and children everywhere, please be wary of people claiming to be leaders, who exhibit the abusive leadership traits described herein. Whether you are in a Church setting, a “volunteer” setting, or a Father’s or Men’s Group setting, please be on the alert for any symptoms of abusive leadership listed above. God knows men are already abused enough as it is. If you find yourself a person who is already a victim in such an abusive setting, or you even find yourself to be a spiritually abusive leader, please get professional help if you wish to be free of that abusiveness.